sarahcentric

Ladies and Gentlemen! The winners of the first Sarahcentric Giveaway as selected by the random number generator…

Dara of DaraMascara, celebrity make-up artist to the stars!

and…

Jen T, proud proprietress of the Etsy shop Scrap Solutions!

Congratulations! I hope you are both prepared for the Maximum Comfort mind expansion that only Graham Cracker Coffee and cozies can bring. I’ll contact you both via email shortly.

Alright, back to business.

I know that many of you would like to redeem your Sarahcentric IOUs for posts on Puffy French Toast and Christmas in Queens.  I will get to it soon, promise.  But first I gotta deal with the Pinecone-y Punk pictured above -my best friend of 12 years, Andrew. Below you will find an open letter which I hope will be the beginning of a constructive dialogue between he and I.

December 17, 2008
Queens NY
re: your usage of the slang expression “wicked”

Dear Andrew,

Hi.  How are you?  I am fine.

No. Wait…I am not fine. I am NOT fine because I recently realized my best friend is a huge liar and a fraud!!  Don’t look at me like that!  (Or, don’t look at this blog like that like that!) You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Andrew, I have known you for 12 years.  We have bought kegs together in Upstate NY to throw parties so we could pay our house bills. We have gone through horrible fashion trends like overalls, over-sized wool sweaters and chinese slippers.  I have a scar on my stomach from when you thought it was a good idea to scare my cat and she attacked me in retaliation.

Through all of those events and more, never-not ONCE-did you utter the expression, “Wicked!” NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!  Yet for a year and a half you have been trying to slip “wicked” into conversation assuming I wouldn’t notice!!  “It’s wicked good.  It’s wicked hard. It’s wicked easy.”  I didn’t mind at the beginning. But when I asked you why you started using “wicked”,  you looked me right in the eye and said, “Sarah, I have said that my entire life.”  LIAR!

1) You are not from Boston or even a Red Sox fan.  We are from Upstate NY which means you can only say, “YEAH it is!”, “ROCHester” (with the accent on the first syllable), or if you really wanted to go for it, “Pop” in place of “soda”.

2) Now that I have scientifically established that you couldn’t possibly have been saying “wicked” since the day you were born, we must turn our attention to WHERE you picked this nasty habit up.  Since none of our friends or families use “wicked”, I have to assume this comes from some new friendships or travel that was NOT sanctioned by me.  This is a big no-no and you know it.

3) The saddest part of this “wicked” story is that if you had gone through the appropriate channels we could have found a way to make it work.  I am not un-flexible, Andrew. For example, I’ve rediscovered the term “stinks” and have fallen quite in love with it.  (”This stinks.  That stinks.”).  So, in following with our rules of order, I asked for your feedback and you agreed. “Yeah, we should really try to bring ’stinks’ back.  It’s great.”  Beautiful, seamless. I also take responsibility when a new expression fails.  You may remember my breaking out “Rad!” for a few days.  You didn’t approve or deny it. But the lack of approval was enough for me to lose the expression altogether.  Andrew, I expect the same courtesy from you.

So what do we do now?  I am willing to work on some new approval systems to be sure our speak is totally in-sync.  Perhaps we could work on a “permission to say this slip”?  (Of course we will need a notary public. But I don’t see that being an issue.  As you and I have discussed many times you can find notary publics anywhere; banks, law offices, laundromats, amusement parks, etc.)  But unfortunately, I can no longer abide by “wicked”. There is too much water under that bridge to fix it.

Wicked stinks, Andrew.  It’s not rad…not rad at all.

Ever thine,
Sarah