sarahcentric

My personal trainer Bryant is not a runner like me, but a crazy runner. Here is the difference.

I just want to freaking finish, whether it be a 5K, half-marathon and ESPECIALLY a full marathon. (I am not exaggerating when I tell you that the only thing preventing me from not jumping on the subway after mile 15 was the fact that I knew my sisters were waiting for me at the end in Central Park. They would have been pissed.)

Losing weight was very cool and I like how running still keeps it off. I pick really pretty races, like the Covered Bridges Half-Marathon, and take my sweet time; listening to my iPod and daydreaming about what kind of treats they will have at the finishers area. (Once again, Covered Bridges is the way to go…free Otter Creek beer and rockin’ chocolate chip cookies. Ewww, don’t eat them together though.)

Now, ya’ see..Bryant’s different. He’s a sprinter. (I think he told me he finished a 5K in 37 seconds and traveled back in time like Christopher Reeve in “Superman II”…or something like that.) Also, he and his friends get together and watch tapes of runners, well…running.

See? That’s crazy.

And it’s more than putting just one foot in front of the other for Bryant. It’s the entire body working at an optimum level so you can run as efficiently and safely as possible. That means not just running, but overall strength training as well. He also says that building muscle is good for the whole metabolism situation. You’ll continue to burn calories when you’re in a resting mode. This theory sounds vaguely like The Doozers from Fraggle Rock. They’re the adorable race of construction workers who built structures all day, which the Fraggles loved to eat as snacks. But the Doozers just kept on building. I really hope this is accurate, because Doozers are the freaking cutest and it’s nice to think about them again. (See below)

Anyphway, I am officially 179 years old now, at least in running on city-streets years. My knee has started acting like a real a–hole and I wanted to get some tips on technique to prevent any major injury. This is why the cosmos brought Bryant and I together. Dear Bryant didn’t know one very crucial thing about me.

I have no muscles.

Bryant doesn’t believe me, but I have proof! Whenever I picked up a hand weight in the past I instinctually dropped it and said “Oh. Well that’s too heavy” and went back to my life on the treadmill and stopped trying to fight gravity.

Yep, scientifically proven. There are no muscles in Sarah Jackson’s body; just a complicated system of pullies and/or levers getting me through my day. But Bryant continues to believe the world is round and makes me do ridiculous exercises like push-ups, lunges and squats. He’s nice and breezy, but sometimes when I want to stop and explain that what he’s asking me to do is simply impossible due my muscle-less condition, he gets all worked up, “Don’t give up on yourself! Come on! Come on!” I roll my eyes and indulge him; “alllll-right, Bryant…” staying in a plank position for 10 more seconds with a 25lb weight on my back.

Bryant is talented and inspiring, but he’s refusing to ignore my very obvious plight! Yes, of course, there has been some change in my performance. I can do several sets of push-ups and sit-ups now, but that’s obviously because my pullies and levers have re-programmed themselves to work under these new, stressful conditions!! But most alarming is how he continues to ignore the visual evidence! I mean, you’re actually starting to SEE all of my machinery now… in my arms and my abs!!

Poor, sweet, naive Bryant. When will he learn?