sarahcentric

I have a strict NYC anti-traipsing policy.

As sure as my friends know that I will disappear from the Christmas party, they know the first question I will ask when they present a social plan to me is, “Look, I don’t care if this joint is in Timbuktu. You just better know EXACTLY how to get there. Point A to Point B. I am not traipsing all over New York City!”

Here’s the deal… if you have a friend in New York City who wants to take you to a birthday party, one-woman show, speakeasy, or zoo, make 100% sure that they know exactly where they are going… Exactly! Make sure they have written the subway directions and exact address down on parchment paper, sealed it in wax, and had it authorized by a notary public. Do not even leave your couch if they say something like, “Oh, it’s in Alphabet City somewhere. I went there with my ex-boyfriend a couple of years ago. He was hitting on this bartender the whole night… I was so pissed! Anyway, I’ll find it.”

Do not trust this friend! I guarantee you will be wandering aimlessly around the East Village in boots that were most definitely not made for walking in the middle of February for at least 2 hours. You will have at least three fights before giving up and drinking margaritas in angry silence at the TGIFridays near Penn Station.

I won’t traipse!

…Unless this guy shows up.

Andrew, my best friend of 417 years and prolific postcard writer, was in town this week to catch up with the old crew. He was the first of our college theater department to get to the city, and the first one to get the hell out. Andrew is singing beautifully and loudly in Florida these days. So when he comes to the city, he is not playing. He’s looking to be as weird and funny as possible with as many of our old friends as he can. Andrew wants to eat the cheesiest pizza and the sweetest cupcake this city has to offer.

Since It’s almost impossible to avoid traipsing in conditions like these, I figured this was as good a time as any to hone my skills. It was also a great opportunity to practice for the ultimate traipse; hosting my Australian-Swedish friend named Conan. This is his first visit to New York City and he is fixing to bust this town wide open. I am thrilled and terrified.

Here are 10 tips from Sarah’s Saturday Traipse to make your New York City traipse a pleasant and memorable one.

Rule #1: Remove all productive life goals or objectives for at least 24 hours from the start of the Traipse.
Don’t worry, I broke the first rule right at the start. I thought one little trip to J&R to research DSLR cameras would be harmless. I underestimated the crazy cool confusion of Chinatown, which is mostly just crazy. Andrew and I had to completely shutdown and be above our bodies to push past the counterfeit bag shoppers and Dim Sum restaurant to get to J&R.

Rule #2: You will get lost. Don’t freak out.
We definitely got to J&R a half-hour later than we should have. But the wise traipster makes the most out of it. Andrew and I got to check out City Hall and run down every awesome Ghostbusters quote we could think of. “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!” I love that movie so much I can’t stand it. If you want to get all agro before your first trip to New York City, skip When Harry Met Sally and head straight to this 80s comedy. Classic New York.

Rule #3: Don’t hate on other boroughs.
I felt a little defensive when I saw a gazillion tourists walking over and taking pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge. Whatever, the Queensboro and Tri-boro bridges are pretty great, too! But a traipse is not the time for borough beef. Now is the time to take in all that New York City has to offer. Give credit where credit is due. Get your Queens camera out and recognize.

Rule #4: Eat whatever you want, whenever you want, where ever you want.
…because you CAN eat whatever, whenever, and where ever you want. You’re in New York City! Don’t settle for any joint because you’re starving or you’re nervous something better won’t turn up. Andrew and I walked west for a good half-hour until we ran into Dos Caminos and their fish tacos, pomegranate margarita, and freshly made guacamole brunch. This is not the only thing on the menu, of course. But it felt like it was since it was exactly what I wanted. We walked off that day drink to get exactly what Andrew wanted, a cupcake at Sweet Revenge.

Rule #5: Prepare for the second wind.
There’s a moment when you could head home and call it a New York City day. But there’s also a moment after spending so many hours with your fellow traipster that the jokes have gotten too weird and funny to possibly stop now. I think it was around the time I called my Blackberry a “blueberry” by mistake that I knew I was in for the long haul. A good indicator for me is when I start doing this dance. Picture Will Ferrel as “Frank the Tank” doing the Twist.

Rule #6: Coordinate your commute and cell phone communication perfectly.
Andrew and I wanted to get in touch with some other folks, but keep our journey moving at a nice pace. Solution? Send your text before you hop on the train and check your messages when you transfer at Times Square. You’ll always get at least a bar or two of service. Plus, you get to watch this very talented doll do an electronic hula to a man playing the keyboard as you wait for your call.

Rule #7: Just go with it!
We had about 20 minutes to kill before we met up with some friends. I have spent 8 years avoiding Times Square at all cost. But not this night! I’m not going to be here forever (ahem hem cough cough, more on this later) and I will not leave without this photo. Don’t worry, we got about a hundred of them.

Rule #8: Catch up with old friends.
Andrew’s a professional actor in Florida now. His former roommate Evan is on Broadway. I’m a businesslady now who says stuff like “branding” and “ratings” all of the time. But back in the day, I watched these two play video games for hours, and they saw me fall off a bed once. Very long story and a very good one at that. Traipses give you lots of time to remember.

Rule #9: When you think the night can’t get any weirder, get weirder.
If the traipse seems to be losing some steam take more pictures, go to another bar, tell another funny story. Now is the time to dig deep! Below are two classic Sarah/Andrew examples of taking things to the next bizarre level. First, Andrew starts a new dance craze…

Then I demonstrate my version of the Twist.

And finally, I insist on this picture.

Yeah, sorry. All of this weirdness has to happen in public to really make it worth it.

Rule #10: End the night with a slice of pizza.
No buts about it, it is pretty much the law here.

The 24 hour window is essential to the perfect New York City traipse. You will be totally exhausted and not much good to anyone for a while. But mostly, it gives you the time to reflect on your amazing and weird day. Or in my case, the amazing and weird 8 years I have had in this city with amazing and weird friends.

I heart NYC.