sarahcentric

Ummmm, soooo..this happened…

…and it wasn’t supposed to happen! Not until my Tumm-blers looked more like Halle Berry’s, and less like a big, cozy cookie jar. I blame Cooks Illustrated. How could I resist their Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe?! They browned the butter, for chrissakes. Browned butter! “Whisk the sugars and vanilla into the skillet.” Wha’..what?! Are you making cookies or New Orleans Pralines?! I had to know.

Now I do know.
And, I can’t tell you.

The good chefs of Cooks Illustrated and their fearless bowtie-wearing leader Christopher Kimball keep it real over there. No advertising whatsoever so they can give their subscribers totally unbiased recipes and product reviews… and that ain’t free. So I’m sorry, but I can’t give you the recipe. I can’t. I just can’t. Chris Kimball is too adorable to disappoint.

What I can tell you is that my apartment smelled like a tiny house in an enchanted forest made from toffee, brown sugar, and chocolate chips. I can tell you that these cookies are so dense, they could be used as handweights in a Turbo Jam workout. And finally, I can tell you my rules and regulations on fantasy, sci-fi, and magical adventure stories.

This last point has nothing to do with cookies. I can’t fool you! But I’m hoping the ridiculously high and specific standards to which I hold all other-worldly stories are an adequate substitute for the magical ingredients of the recipe. Plus, I’ve been meaning to tell you all of this for sometime. And this is my blog. And I can do whatever the hell I want. Without further ado…

SARAH’S VERY OFFICIAL RULES AND REGULATIONS ON STORIES CONCERNING MAGIC, SPACE, ELVES AND OTHER SUCH NONSENSE. (Feel free to print for future reference. And stop starting at that picture of my cookies because I still can’t give you the recipe!)

I. London
All things that are good and magical begin and end in London. I am American through and through. But I know damn well that if I ever want to sample Turkish Delight, say hello to Mr. Codfish from the Isle of Naboomboo, or have giant dog for a nanny, I better get my butt to London quick. Preferably on a Firebolt. Or, at the very least, a Nimbus 2000!

II. Dragons
They are so irritating and I don’t want any part of their scaly, annoying adventures. I’m so sick of
scrappy kids who find a gigantic egg in the woods just as it’s about to hatch. Yeah, a baby dragon’s all fun and games when it fits in your hand and coughs cute little flames. But I’ll see ya’ when it’s basically a dinosaur who talks and sounds like your grandfather! Those DragonMaster kids have some nerve getting mad at their villages for not understanding their “friend”. Hello?! It’s a f—ing dragon! Did you not see what that Hungarian Horntail did to Harry at the Triwizard Tournament?! Nuh-uh, no way. No dragons.

III. Hobbits
Love them. They eat delicious food all f—ing day. (Don’t think about the cookies.) Also, they get down like James Brown at awesome One Hundred and Eleventh birthday parties.

IV. Vampires
Behhh, sooo melodramatic. Honestly, can you imagine dating one of these bloodsuckers?! Alright, let’s say you’ve gotten past fearing for your life. What the hell do they do for fun besides play piano, go to the opera, and lay around on antique chaise lounges?! Booooooooring.

V. Space
A) Space Cultural Studies…no. I do not even wanna hear long, drawn out histories of several warring
space civilazations. I can only handle Earth and one other alien culture at a time.
B) Space Terror… my galactic adventure of choice. “Alien” is one of my favorite movies of
all time, but it was not a pleasant experience. I only fell asleep after that movie once I profoundly
accepted that yes, The Alien WAS in my apartment. I would rather sleep through my demise than see
it’s huge, horrible head.
C) Space, but not Space… if you set a western, musical or Kabuki theater performance on a distant
planet far, far away, I’m going to give you a chance. Just make the alien bartender cute and hilarious.
And he should serve those cookies from Cooks Illustrated!

If you’re still distracted by Browned Butter Chocolate Chip cookies, you need to get yourself a subscription to Cooks Illustrated. If you never want to sleep again, put “Alien” on your Netflix cue immediately. And if you want to have the best night of your life- get a subscription to Cook Illustrated, bake the cookies while you’re watching “Alien”, and eat them when you watch “Lord of the Rings” immediately following.

Mischief Managed.