Before you read this post…
Before you drink your coffee…
Before you ever do anything else again … you must watch this video.
We’ll meet right back here after you’re done.
If you think I haven’t played this video over 1 million times and danced by myself all Sunday aftertoon to the point of sweating…well then, you don’t know me very well. You see, I have been a professional imaginary dancer for most of my life.
It’s difficult to tell dancers and imaginary dancers apart. Both are passionate about the latest trends and moves. Both are committed to hard work and rehearsal. There is only one small difference between me as an imaginary dancer and the traditional dancer…
I can’t dance.
I have a basic sense of rhythm that will get you by at college bars and, later in life, drunk wedding receptions. The only thing I’m missing is the technical ability, grace and work ethic. Please! Do I really need to nail all of the moves in the latest pop-awesome-hot video?! All I have to do is bounce around, copy a few of the simplest moves to wow the crowd (in my mind) and sell it. Sell it, Sell it, SELL IT!
Since amazing songs like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” have a shelf life of about three weeks, it’s important that I get the rehearsal process started right away. I crank the video as loud as I can and just watch it several times in a row. No dancing…yet. I call all of my imaginary dancer friends to make sure we’re all working on the same piece, “Did you see this s–t yet?! It’s cuuhhhhRAAAAAYzeeee! Love it!”
Once that’s completed, I just gotta get movin’! The key to a successful imaginary dance piece is to spazz out in what appears to be sort sort of rhythm. But just when your audience starts thinking you might be bulls–t, you throw in one of the three moves that you lifted directly from the original choreography. For example, Beyonce and I are one in the same when she gets to her first chorus of “Woah, Oh, Oh!” about 40 seconds in. Trust me. It is the hotness. I also do that skip around the room thing with the girls just before the chorus, but not too late in the day. I have downstairs neighbors to worry about. When Beyonce gets to that perfect lyric, “If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it”, about 52 seconds in, I’m with her there. Except I hurt my knee pretty badly today while rehearsing that section. (I’m pretty sure that’s God telling me it’s too risque of a move for me.) My sister is still recuperating from an injury she sustained this summer while practicing a move from the “So You Think You Can Dance” finale we watched at a friend’s house on vacation. She woke up the next morning saying, “ohhh, I think I pulled a muscle in my butt last night”. Oh well, deal with it. Injury is just part of the imaginary dancer’s life.
I don’t enjoy the same level of fame and notoriety that “legit” dancers like Beyonce often do, but I do feel some of the glow. When I took a break from rehearsal today to run some Queens errands, I’m pretty sure all of the guys were checking me out. That song was so stuck in my head, it was as if I was picking up my vitamins in the same leotard and heels Beyonce and the girls wear. I was smiling, winking and saying ciao to any brother who glanced my way. Imagine my surprise when I caught myself in the mirror dancing wearing a tank top, jeans, glasses and my winter hat. Huh. Was anyone really checking me out? Did Daniel Craig really ask me for my number?
I haven’t been invited to perform on Saturday Night Live yet, but it doesn’t matter. My imaginary dance schedule is pretty packed these days. My family is guaranteed performances when I am home over the holidays and some random pop song shows up on TV when we’re all watching together. I stand up and walk into the center of the room, all hard and sexy like one of Missy Elliot’s dancers. My brother and sisters go along with it, “Oh s–t! Oh snap! Here she comes!” Once I take my position, I spazz out like a 6 year old dancing at a wedding. “Go Sarah! Wow, your body’s really responding to this!”
I also think it’s important to push the limits of imaginary dance. That’s why I’ve started working in Modern and Contemporary. I set most of those pieces to opening themes from classic HBO series like “Six Feet Under” and “The Sopranos”. This involves a lot of abstract, herky-jerky moves that I deftly string together in my living room. My friend Andrew, a skilled imaginary dancer in his own right, has been my primary audience in this medium. “5, 6, 7, 8! Yes, Sarah..and POP 2, 3, 4!” This work isn’t as commercially viable, but it’s so important that I keep the art of imaginary dance alive.
That is why I’m sharing my heart here with all of you today. If we want to keep dance alive for those of use who cannot dance, we must continue to imaginary dance! So before you do anything else again, watch Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. Get up. Get down. Spazz out. Ignore what you’re wearing in real life and strut around like you’re in your leotard and stillettos. And when a guy checks you out, “don’t pay him any attention”.
“If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it.”
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12 Comments
I so wish I could dance, too. I have an excellent sense of rhythm, but can’t seem to coordinate my body to move in any way except that which looks like a bunch of involuntary spasms. My dance history is somewhat similar to yours. I took ballet for about a month when I was five, but…
Ages and ages ago, my family were the proud owners of a brand new VHS player that not only played tapes, but also RECORDED TV show onto them! Somehow, we managed to get the making of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on tape, and my brother and I would spend hours in front of the TV, memorizing, studying, practicing every nuance of every step. We actually had the entire routine down at one point.
We knew it had gone too far, though, when my brother was caught doing that twitching ear-to-shoulder move (you know the one - right after MJ turns into a zombie) when we were in the grocery store. One of the store employees saw him and thought he was having a seizure. You can guess where that led…
I think….therefore I am….a dancer, that is!
Haha, well, thank you for forcing me to watch that video, normally I can’t stand watching long-legged women dancing around in high heels, but today I knew it was for a good cause
Look at you and your dancing! I don’t think I have any imaginary dancer friends… or if I do they are keeping it secret. Or wait, my friend Alan does dance for me and my son at the breakfast table when he stays over… though he is really no Beyonce.
And they WERE checking you out. And 6-year-old spazz dancing is making a comeback - this is going to be a busy season for you, I’m sure of it.
Well I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld, so you are WAY ahead of me. Is the key to moving up from Elaine dancing to Imaginary Dancing practice? If I practiced enough would I be able to dance in front of other people (besides my 4 year old)?
Good post!
I love you. I totally and completely love you. I’m an imaginary dancer too. This weekend it was to um… INXS and the Beatles ‘Get Back’. Now I have something new to work on…. this is advanced. This is going to take some time. I wish we could practice together. awwwwww shit!
And while we’re on the subject of dancing and all that it involves, there is always the behind the scenes of her video.
http://tinyurl.com/6fd72x
Oh Sarah, I am an imaginary dancer, too!
But I must maintain a high level of eye contact with myself in a mirror while I work on my moves, because I am all about my intense connection with me when I am imaginary dancing.
And I always know that I am on fire.
Excellent post!! As an actual dancer, it is difficult for me to quite understand what you’re going through as an imaginary dancer. As you may recall, I was a member of the famous “Funky Fresh Five” all female break dance crew, circa 1984. I believe my specialty was something called windmills (involved balancing on your elbows with legs in the air). It’s actually quite interesting that windmills were my “specialty” since I really couldn’t do them. I believe I was the only one who could balance on my elbows for a split second (and I mean literally a split second), before collapsing to the Bandwagon floor (our rehearsal studio). At my age now, I would actually kill to be able to balance for even a split second on my elbows. Anywho -keep up the imaginary dancing and leave the real stuff to the professionals like me!!
Megan, Dr. Carolyn, Chad, Alisa, Joy, David, Maura, Chrissy…
Do you remember what our lives were like before Beyonce released this video? This song is pretty much the only thing I care about now. At this point it’s not even fun anymore.
Chrissy, of course I remember your mad skillz at the Bandwagon! I wonder why you guys didn’t use the regulation cardboard box?
Joy, seriously…the dance-off just might not be fair anymore. If we include my older sister and her experience in the Funky Fresh Five..I don’t know, I don’t know. But you would probably bring the fire when it comes to style and presentation. Can anyone say “sunflowers”?
Maura, we have to start weening ourselves off. Like maybe we only watch it twice an hour instead of 5 times in an hour?
Alisa, unfortunately I’m not way ahead of you. Trust me;-)
Chad, so Daniel Craig is in love with me?! He does live in Astoria and loves girls who don’t shower until 4 on Sunday and wear horn-rimmed glasses?!
Carolyn…word.
Megan, you and your brother’s important contribution to the world of imaginary dance will no longer go unnoticed. Stand proud!
Thanks to all for reading!
Sarah
This video was more powerful than we could have anticipated. The danger is getting lost in the imaginary dancers world. Like, I think I may have shape shifted into Beyonce at one point yesterday. Can you imagine the muscle aches I had this morning? I’m thankful that through this video the dangers of imaginary dancing will finally get the attention they deserve.
Oh… also.. A dance off is in order! Imma school you!!!
I would obviously be rocking my Blossom inspired sunflower hat and maybe even the dress that my mom sewed for me. Boom! In your face! ok… I will admit I’m a little intimidated by your sister’s experience. I’ll obviously have to fall back on my experience as an imaginary Fly Girl and beyond that… I’ll just dig deep. Bring it! And consider yourself um… served. (?)
ok, so I’d just like to say that it’s a little odd that on Saturday night I was in Collegetown at Pixel with a fellow Warwickian and I was doing most of those moves and I was getting a LOT of attention. So much so that I was offered a ring, or a beer, whichever you like to call it. And I think it’s pretty lame that Miss B had someone there watching my moves and then left the Cornell area on some secret spy plane back to NYC to teach B said moves and exploit my talent…..AGAIN!