“Hello?”
“…”
“Hello?”
“heehee (7 year old niece giggle) Umm, Aunt Sa-, I mean, Sarah…this is your big sister, Chrissy.”
“Ohhhh, Hi Chrissy. What’s up?
“Ummm, you need to make the turkey for Thanksgiving.”
“Chrissyyyyyy (exaggerating second syllable so my niece thinks she’s got me right where she wants me!) I caaaan’t! You know I don’t eat meat!”
(niece breaks character) “Why? Are you allergic?”
“No, it’s more for health reasons. Pretty complicated, actually…whatever, it’s boring.”
My sisters mumble in the background, feeding lines to my ecstatic niece
“hahaha, so you aren’t funny anymore, hahaha!”
My sisters are laughing harder than my niece. My family is convinced that since going vegetarian 2 years ago I’ve become at least 17% less funny.
“No! I still bring it everyday!”
Sisters, and maybe a brother, are now feeding lines to my niece
“hahaha Aunt Sar…I mean, Sarah…Redeem Yourself!!”
And so on and so on, until my niece times her glorious reveal perfectly. “IT’S ME!!! I GOT YOU!! As far as she’s concerned, this rivals Darth Vader revealing himself to Luke Skywalker. But let’s stop here to explain the significance of “redeeming yourself” during the family holiday season. Please follow me in this guided dysfunctional family meditation.
Go back as far as you can and bring to mind your family’s Thanksgiving celebrations. If your family is anything like mine, you’ll probably remember a few consecutive years where the meal was relatively peaceful. Now, this doesn’t mean it wasn’t completely dysfunctional. It just means that everyone adhered to whatever rules your dysfunctional family carved into a stone tablet years ago. Maybe your Mom woke up at 4 am to put the bird in, and you had no idea why it was necessary to start that early? Maybe your family’s table had all of the traditional dishes plus a random bowl of LaChoy vegetable Chop Suey that no one ever ate? Doesn’t matter. As long as you didn’t question it, you sat down to dinner (at the ridiculously early hour of 2pm) and the meal went off without a hitch.
Ok. Come back to your breathing. Now please bring to mind the Thanksgivings where one small miscalculation created a monstrous butterfly effect that left your entire family in a heap of cranky Thanksgiving depression. I know it’s probably difficult to go there, but we need to locate the exact moment that those dark Thanksgivings began to unravel. Still lost? Well, let me help you.
Someone rocked the f–ing boat.
Someone in your family got a high falootin’ idea to try a new recipe, buy a new roasting pan, or deep-fry a turkey. Only they forgot that this wasn’t some freaking Wednesday to be wild and try something new. This is Thanksgiving! Inevitably, the fancy-schmancy recipe they found on that superchef’s website wasn’t as simple as it looked. “I don’t understand what happened! Mario Batali de-boned this Tuscan partridge in 5 seconds flat when he made this on Iron Chef!!” The taste of one bad dish, or the poor scheduling of the dinner taints the rest of the meal…and your life.
My family, with a cruel and unusual memory for terrible Thanksgiving choices, never allows anyone to get away with what they have done. Each holiday, you are expected to “redeem yourself” for the terrible pain you caused everyone else. No matter how many years have passed. Here are some of the most heinous Jackson Thanksgiving crimes.
- My younger siblings and I decided we could roast a turkey, no problem. Only we had no idea our stove’s temperature was at least 20 degrees off. Since we had no oven thermometer and we were certainly not starting at 4 am, my family didn’t eat anything until 9 pm that night.
- One year my older sister pro-actively cleaned the kitchen WHILE PEOPLE WERE STILL COOKING, in the hopes of avoiding the messy kitchen after the meal. My friend Andrew had the impossibly disgusting job of dealing with the giblets for the gravy. When the magical time came to make the broth, they were no where to be found. All you could hear in the background was my sister “Ohhhhhhhh s–t. I threw those out.”
- I had the brilliant idea of making Patti Labelle’s AAAAAAH-MAAAAAY-ZING Macaroni & Cheese. I have killed with this recipe time and time again. But I forgot to bring the recipe with me to the supermarket. For reasons I will never understand, I assumed the recipe on the back of the Ronzoni box was the same. (Why would I assume that, why?! Think about it. If it was the SAME we would only have one recipe for every dish..in the world!) The reviews of my Mac & Cheese included, “Is there cheese in here?!” “watery. dry….How can something be watery and dry at the same time?!”
The most notorious crime against Jackson Thanksgiving was committed by my youngest sister at the age of 4 or 5. This actually happened at Christmas dinner, but the act was so cruel and unimaginable it comes up at every major holiday. My mother made a rib roast for the big meal which included special guest stars, my grandparents. The meal was laid out buffet style in the kitchen and lil’ sis was the first on line. Being so young, she assumed there was an endless supply of gravy like there appears to be with the Thanksgiving turkey. Imagine our surprise when we cued up a few seconds after, and all of the gravy was gone!! But there sat my sister, in her 5 year old glory…a plate drowned in gravy. To this day, when we all finally sit down to eat it become very still and quiet for two minutes. Not to say grace, but for one of us to be the first person to shout, “Hey! Take it easy on that gravy!”
Last year, she tried to put her foot down. “Oh my god, it’s not even funny anymore!!” My brother laughed even harder, “Oh-ho-ho, are you kidding me?! Yes it is. Yes. It. Is!”
I wanted to get my Thanksgiving wishes out there to all of you as soon as possible. Not just to catch you before you left to be with your family, but to give you fair warning. Enjoy yourselves, but don’t take any chances. Make the same stuffing your mother made. Buy the canned cranberry sauce even though everyone hates it. And if you must make something new, be sure that it is tested well in advance. In my neverending quest to redeem myself for the Ronzoni Mac & Cheese, please accept this offering: the Patti Labelle’s “Over the Rainbow ” Macaroni and Cheese Recipe.
May this insanely fattening dish help to heal another family’s Thanksgiving wounds.
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7 Comments
Just to give you a little more insight into our nutty family — right after we got off the phone with you, a 30 minute discussion ensued about the appropriate way to clap. (and I mean a full half hour) When I clapped for my daughter’s brilliant con that she pulled on you, our sister commented that I clap “weird’. She was critical of my style of left hand cupped , but right hand fully extended but at a 90 degree angle. We then repeatedly tried different styles to see which was the “normal” way. Then brother #2 comes into the kitchen (not having witnessed the discussion) and we ask him in all seriousness to show us how he claps. In typical Jackson fashion, he immediately reverses his hands so that the tops of the hands are clapping, with palms out (like a seal I suppose). After hearing all the giggling, brother #3 walks in, also not privy to the prior conversation, and he was asked to clap. He of course did some kind of crazy clapping as well. We then tried to see who could just generally clap the loudest — Brother #2 won by a long shot, with a disturbingly loud clap (no doubt as a result of his gigantism). The one thing we could all agree on was that you were probably the worst clapper of all of us — of course there was no reason to bring you into it, since you were not there to defend yourself (–oh wait, that’s exactly why we brought you into it!) We all concluded that your lack of arm muscles would result in a wild flailing of your arms, in which your hands would only meet accidentally on limited occasions producing very little sound!
Anyway, great blog as usual!
Ahhhh–tradition. Well we just say no to that around here. Had lamb and some sort of Moroccan concoction I made last year and probably beef and broccoli this year. Turkey shmerky! Enjoy.
Thanks for the LaBelle beauty. That recipe looks like a real showstopper. Or heartstopper. Or perhaps a little of both.
Two traditions that have made my Thanksgivings more enjoyable are:
1. The mid-morning Thanksgiving walk. A good way to clear the head, cleanse the emotional palate, and work up the appetite of kings.
2. The after-family drinks with local friends. This is a nice thing to look forward to at the end of the day, and in some cases, a complete necessity.
Happy days of giving thankfulness!
OK, so you know I love you and while I thoroughly enjoy your blog…This posting made me laugh out loud and not just a chuckle, I do have big issues with your “Patti LaBelle Mac and Cheese”. The picture looked delicious (please remember I do not like cheese of any kind so this is a big compliment) so I thought maybe I will bake me up so Mac& Cheese and impress my family (also note that I do not cook or bake—yes, I order in 90 % of my meals and the other 10% is provided by my mother who is convinced that my children are going to have crazy food issues…go figure) So I decide to Google “Patti LaBelle’s Mac and Cheese”. Up comes CDKitchen—whereas the recipe is a 3 on difficulty level (out of 5) not off to a good start for a non-cook. Then I notice the prep time: ready in 2-5 hours also very troubling to a non cook. This is a good time to remind you all I work in the Production field—I like timelines, schedules and precise measurements. Now I can deal with a “stir for 3-6 mins” or even a bake for 20-25 mins but 2-5 hours!!! What does that mean??? Next I notice the list of ingredients it says and I quote “½ cup of Butter PLUS”—what is going on? Come on, this is a recipe for god sake. What is a ½ cup butter PLUS… plus what?!? This is the point I just give in and go back to my world of not cooking and ordering a tray of cookies from the local bakery or perhaps a pudding pie yum (also take note I do not like any baked fruit of any kind). Thanks for making me laugh but I will pass on your recipe recommendations. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just don’t know what she was thinking taking all of that gravy.
That Mac & Cheese was so amazing! Thank you for letting me sample it. Pattii really knows how to bring it.
I hope for your sake that this herb roasted turkey recipe you gave me stands up. Otherwise, you’ll be coming over next year to redeem yourself at my house.
Just wanted to update and say that the Herb Roasted Turkey Recipe you gave me was amazing. The apple cider gravy was the best part. I was wrong to cast any doubt.
You guys should think about getting some “Jackson Family Approved” labels.
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[...] can you possibly keep up with the new Thanksgiving dinner joke? Since no one ruined their contribution to the meal this year, my family fought to take credit for each other’s dishes. If someone [...]