sarahcentric

There is a meditation mat in my bedroom that I sit on most everyday for at least 30 minutes. I sit in front of a window that has a plant, candle and a small Buddha statue on its sill. This week I had a powerful realization; a profound breakthrough in my practice that I would like to share with all of you.

I hump meditation.

Let me be very clear right from the start. I am not some new-age, enlightened, crystal child. When I meditate there are no fireworks, radiant voices or levitation. Thank GOD for that! Because honestly, I would think my brain was haunted or something and I do not need that kind of stress! Nope, sometimes I get sad, or angry, or just really bored. And my right foot is still not havin’ it. It falls asleep on me almost every time. But still, the process of sitting mindfully in order to “”wake up out of thought”, I got news for ya’…no freaking joke.

I would like to take you through one of my typical sittings based on this perfect explanation of what one is trying to accomplish in meditation from Tara Brach. She is an excellent Buddhist meditation teacher who should be famous..or at least be my best friend. This comes from a talk she gave called “The Art of Practice”.

“…Pause. Relax and just sense…much like a cat would be at a mouse hole…in a relaxed way. You’re just waiting to see when the next thought will come…”

Here is a snapshot from my brain of the first few minutes of a typical sitting.

The swami turban on Tom’s head is no accident. Don’t think for one minute that I don’t loooove sitting on my sage meditation mat which looks lovely against my orange curtains and green Buddha, ready for instant enlightenment right here in Queens. But after following no more than three glorious breaths in and out, millions of insane thoughts come tumbling down. They are as obnoxious and adorable as Jerry in those little Aladdin pants! How the hell am I supposed to ignore that?! In classic over-achieving, runner Sarah mode, I try to attack the problem by blocking the thoughts. But no dice. Jerry’s not going anywhere.

Then I remember the whole point of this business; I need to “just sit and be” with whatever is happening right now. This is when I take off my turban and remember that I’m just Sarah in Queens wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt that says “Oh no, you didn’t!!”. This is perfectly fine. I’m taking a break (remember “pause and relax”) to just sit here and investigate the situation a bit. And most importantly, I must try not to judge these running thoughts or myself. Relate to them and feel whatever feelings may be attached to them. And when I’m done, I need to let them go. Although this particular image of Jerry taking a bath is going to be pretty hard to release.

Now here is the good stuff that makes pins & needles in your foot totally worth it. Once I’ve stopped beating myself up for not being a living Buddha in Queens and I am able to sit peacefully, I can see all of these thoughts for exactly what they are. Sometimes they are as ridiculous as cartoon mice in bathtubs. But other times there are some big mama-jama things in there. They look more like those terrifying Orcs in “Lord of the Rings”. But however gross and heartwrenching they may be, there is no need to run from them or even freak out. In fact, I need to “make friends” with them. (Another Tara Brach special) Give them whatever attention they actually deserve and THEN let me go. Because whether they are Jerrys or Orcs, they’re all just thoughts that will most definitely pass. And better yet, when they disappear I am still there, steady and planted on my mat. A Zen teacher named Norman Fischer puts it this way, “Deny nothing. Say yes to everything.” It makes me feel a little brave…like Mr. Frodo.

Here we are at the end of the session, which I’ve usually scheduled to end right before “Project Runway” or “Lost”. Look, I told you…far from enlightened. But in the way I schedule my workouts or Maximum Comfort time, it’s just as important to schedule a couple of minutes each day where I prove to myself I can handle whatever, whenever. It’s evidence that I can sit and just hang with all of the complicated stuff. Meditation proves that the majority of my thoughts during the day are just Jerrys; pretty ridiculous scenarios that I’ve concocted which are not even really happening. (I’m sorry, mice don’t really wear little Fez caps) And when the freaking Orcs find me, I can be scared or sad as hell. But I will always find my way back to The Shire where there is nothing but room, sky and crazy parties for Bilbo Baggins.

Denying nothing, saying yes to everything.
Or at least freaking trying.