sarahcentric

This is one pound of freshly ground Graham Cracker coffee from a local coffee shop in my hometown. What you do not see here are the other two pounds of Graham Cracker coffee in my bag, orders from my friends in New York City. And there is yet another pound in my brother’s kitchen which I purchased two weeks before my Cape Cod vacation and forgot to bring back to the city. When my sister told me that our younger brother STOLE it and I wouldn’t be able to take it home with me, I got very quiet…because I thought I was going to cry. Really.

There are tons of this miracle, and the happiness it has brought to my life that you can’t see in this entry. Unfortunately, you also cannot smell the glorious comfiness that this unassuming bag emits. And you certainly cannot hear my exclamations of wonder and joy when I catch its heady perfume; “This s–t smells so f—ing good I am going to french kiss it!”

If you have not sampled Graham Cracker coffee, (which unless you’re from my hometown or know someone who is, you haven’t), it is as if you are walking through the world like one of those creepy monkeys with their hands on their ears, eyes or mouth. Everyone loves this stuff. EVERYONE. If you are lucky enough to sample the Good Stuff (or cursed, as the case may actually be), you will buy, cheat and steal for it. My brother’s theft is not the first case. When I bought this for an ex-boyfriend’s mother as a gift, it followed him right back to his apartment the very next week. “I don’t know..there’s just something about it!!” This was especially true for him, since he rarely even drank coffee.

I can’t possibly describe Graham Cracker coffee’s alchemical deliciousness. But allow me to offer an origin story detailing the cosmic occurrence which took place bringing this fantastic product into my life. In the great world tradition of spoken word histories, please pass this tale along to your friends and family so that our Graham Cracker culture will live on. Please gather ’round…

Long ago…

…Before roosters crowed at the Sun and coyotes howled at the Moon… Before the oceans kissed the shoreline, and all the birds were beautiful, (no gross bird a-holes like New York City pigeons yet), the most powerful deities in the universe met to create the most delicious morning beverage the world would ever know.

Tim Gunn, dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, throws his Large Dunkin Donuts Coconut Iced Coffee across the room. “This bores me!”

Jesus, Harry Potter and Scrooge McDuck all throw their hands up in frustration, rolling their eyes at Tim’s response to their latest attempt to nail the down the best coffee in the world. The Buddha takes a deep, mindful breath before asking, “Tim, what is wrong now? We agreed to be open-minded, yes? Appreciate what we have now?

Tim crosses his legs in a huff, “Well, I’m sorry Buddha I tried. But there are serious questions about the taste level here. Nina will never go for this.”

Scrooge McDuck quickly rises from his chair and launches into one of his classic temper tantrums in a heavy Scottish brogue, “We don’t have time for this!! The world needs to know that there’s something perfect and sweet to drink every morning! We have to decide now!!! AGHHHH!!

Tim casually throws his hand in the air still seated, “Ok, you need to relax…what is he even doing here, anyway?” Harry answers Tim as Scrooge continues to freak out now bouncing on his head, “Ducktales. Best afterschool cartoon ever, period. He gets a say.” Tim reluctantly agrees, surveying Scrooge McDuck’s outfit in disgust.

Jesus stands up and pulls his hackey-sack out, “McDuck…chill out! Man, we all just need to relax! Buddha, maybe we should just get out of here for a bit and get some fresh air?”

The Buddha agreed with Jesus and led the entire group on a walking meditation to a beautiful valley in upstate NY. The land was unspoiled, covered in apple orchards, lakes, mountains and roller coasters. (Yes, roller coasters…because they are way fun and I said so.) Upon sight of this beautiful land, these great deities acted like children without a care in the world. They frolicked in the meadows and made quick trips to Shop-rite for delicious snacks. The Buddha and Jesus coordinated and ran in a local 5K. Scrooge McDuck taught Tim Gunn how to joyfully dive into piles of gold coins. And in between roller coaster rides, Harry Potter worked on his most complicated potion yet; a coffee so special, fragrant and warm representing the joys of this memorable day.

The Buddha sampled Harry’s magical coffee and was pleased. “This is all I ever wanted, right here and now.”

Jesus was also satisfied. “See man, this is what I’ve been freaking talking about! It’s all about love, man, love! Hey, where’s my hackey-sack?”

Scrooge McDuck sipped Harry’s new recipe and the irises of his eyes immediately turned into dollar signs when he thought of all the money the distributor of this new coffee would make.

And Tim Gunn simply stated, “Harry, it’s exquisite.”

And so it was, that Harry Potter’s Magical Graham Cracker Coffee came into being.

How did Graham Cracker coffee make it to my local cafe’s food distributor? We may never know. But we do know it is our responsibility to tell the world about Graham Cracker Coffee’s existence. When we are lucky enough to come upon this gift from the Gods, we must be sure to get enough for everyone in our immediate circle to enjoy.

But we must never, ever steal it…LUKE!

Graham Cracker Coffee…

I love you.