sarahcentric

At our last family gathering, my brother Luke summed up the Jackson experience perfectly.

“They should start a 24 hours news channel FOR us and BY us… all Jackson all the time. We’d deliver up to date news on what we’ve each been doing all day. ‘This just in, Sarah said her lunch was delicious today, but her cookie wasn’t that good’… And we’d have that news crawl at the bottom, just like CNN!”

Being a Jackson is relentless.

Now it’s not that I don’t love my family. In fact, I love them so much it feels like a whole other expression of emotion…obsession maybe? Nahh, still not sufficient. Maybe it’s more like “If I had not been incarnated with this group of individuals, the universe would unravel as we know it. Up would be down. Day would be night. And Oreo Cakesters would just be crappy Hydrox cookies. Or even worse, VIENNA FINGERS!!”

Yes, that sounds pretty accurate. Some bullet points so you can really taste the experience.

• We are loud…really loud…Like LOUD. And it’s not only our voices, but all of the guitars laying around the house; both real and the mini Guitar Hero version. Here is how we communicate. At the last celebration, my brother’s soft-spoken girlfriend Nadine made a delicious chocolate cake. Instead of the usual polite compliments and a second slice, we all picked up our forks, banged them on the table and chanted as loud as we could, “NA-DINE! NA-DINE! NA-DINE!” We all hope she comes back….with more chocolate cake.

• My sisters and I talk on the phone at least three times a day to update each other on important daily events; ”I had the best sandwich at Panera…What are you watching?…Do you think I should blow my hair out, it’s going to rain!” If one of us has fallen off the grid and has skipped ONE DAY of communication, the following emergency plan goes into affect immediately. 1) Call the other sister and sound the alarm, “Where is Sarah?! What a bitch!” 2) Send out an All-points Bulletin via voicemail, emails, texts and myspace comments, all with the same copy “Oh hello Sarah, it’s me! Remember when we were sisters?!” 3) If there is no response to phase 1, drastic measures must be taken. “Oh hello Sarah!! This is Chris and Rebekah. We just want to let you know we’re taking an ad out in the local paper, “New Sister Wanted!!” (Click) This usually does it.

• My youngest brother Aaron, at the age of 23, still thinks the funniest, most classic joke there is, is a good old fashioned scare. Now everyone else on the planet knows that this joke sucks almost as much as those awesome April Fools Day pranks, (”Oh, I heard you have cancer..hahaha, you’re not dying! April Fools Day!!”). But Aaron has truly raised the heart attack level by not just waiting for the traditional two seconds behind the front door when you walk in. No. Instead, Aaron will hide for at LEAST 10 minutes allowing you to completely relax and settle in before scaring the living daylights out of you. You not only scream at the top of your lungs, “Aaron!! G–Dammit!!”, but you laugh your freaking face off. Because even though you think your life is over, a Jackson is required by blood to honor a carefully constructed joke.

This is the tip of a very loud and insane iceberg. And there ain’t another one in the big, blue ocean I’d rather crash into. But on the weekends I visit the ol’ gang and I forget my earplugs, I escape to the family in my mind for a little peace. Allow me to introduce my imaginary family.

My father, Tim Russert.

Brilliant, upstate New York native. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t play jazz scales on the guitar at 730am with the amp up at full blast.

My mother, Alfre Woodard.

Classy, sensitive and warm. And I don’t think she would email letting me know she just got back from a firing range where she used a 357 magnum and a “baby glock” for the first time.

My brothers and sisters, the stars of Facts of Life and Different Strokes.

If those girls were my sisters, we would all live in the same room and they’d never NOT know where I was. If Arnold Drummond was my brother, his famous joke “what are you talkin’ about, Willis?” wouldn’t throw me into cardiac arrest.

I’ve spent a few brief moments with my alternative family of television personalities…and it’s pretty mild and fine. But I can’t stay away from my favorite channel for too long. JacksonTV. 24/7. I gotta keep up on all the important news.

I wonder what our network tag would be, the dramatic VO you always hear at the end of a TV promo, “ABC… Start Here.”

Probably something like, “Jackson TV…Aaron, G–Dammit!”

Tim Russert would be our VO guy.