The following conversation between Sarah Jackson and her best friend of 12 years, Andrew, took place on June 15th, 2008. Sarah and Andrew were discussing the plot of a movie in which many characters are compelled to kill themselves.
This conversation actually took place. For real.
Andrew: If I kill myself, I know exactly what I’m going to do.
Sarah: (….)
Andrew: Are you there?!
Sarah: Ughhh, YES! I wasn’t listening…go on…
Andrew: Ok. So. If I HAVE to kill myself, I’m heading to the zoo and walking into a lion’s cage. I figure there will be at least one minute before the lion tweeks, and I can make my dream come true. I’ll finally get a chance to wrap my arms around a big, cute lion’s neck and give him a huge hug!
Sarah:(….)
Andrew: So?!
Sarah: What?
Andrew: Well, what do you think?!
Sarah: Sorry, I was trying on an old dress that I hated last year. I think I still hate it…
Andrew: Come on! You don’t think that’s awesome?! Hugging a lion?!
Sarah: I don’t know, it’s fine. But all of that hair from its mane would get in your mouth and stuff..bleecch. I’d go for a freaking tiger. Just as a cute of a head.
Andrew: Oh. Well, I was thinking of a female lion anyway.
Sarah: Wait, what? A female lion?
Andrew: Yeah.
Sarah: Please, that doesn’t even make sense! Andrew, if you’re going for a lion, why a female lion with no mane?!
Andrew: I don’t know. They’re pretty.
Sarah: Whatever…No. You’re hugging a tiger. You’ll get more bang for your buck.
Andrew: Ok, fine! But you have to be there with a camera. Before it kills me, I’ll make sure to turn its head when I hug it so you can get an awesome picture of us smiling together!
Sarah: Duh. Of course.
Andrew: And put it on myspace… but not if I look fat!
Sarah: Well, you’re going to have remember to keep your chin down when I take the picture.. and before the tiger eats you.
Andrew: I still don’t understand why it can’t be a female lion…
Sarah: I’m not even arguing with you about this anymore. I’m totally right…
In the interest of full disclosure, we here at Sarahcentric felt it was our obligation to release the full transcripts of this conversation. You, the reader, can now make a fully informed decision before applying any of Sarah’s perspective or advice to your own life. Sarah may write about family, life, love and oreo cakester. But she also think it’s completely normal to helps friends decide which dangerous wild animal is best to cuddle…and that is quite obviously a tiger.
You’ve been warned.
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9 Comments
…nice. Good advice all around I think.
Honestly, I think it’s sexist that people immediately think of the male when they hear the word “Lion”. I guess I’m ahead of my time.
Andrew, your instincts are correct. The female lions are the ones that do most of the hunting and killing.
And I love this conversation so much! I’m glad you two decided to post this for the world.
p.s. I do understand why Sarah would want a male lion for it’s fluffy mane, especially if you want to get up close and hug it. It would be so soft!
Well, I’ve always wanted to hug a BEAR…but if it has to be one or the other, the Tiger seems the softer of the two, and I agree that mane-in-the-face, while good on paper, might not be all that pleasant in person.
I remember from my childhood, though, and Daktari, that some lions are CROSSEYED…so your survival hopes might increase with the lion.
DNW
DNW,
Oh man, I was just watching some grizzly doc last night and thought they MIGHT be worth the risk. But then I saw them catch one of those salmon… boy I just don’t know if you’d have a chance! And who knew lions could be 80s style nerds and be cross-eyed… weird.
-Sarah
d.a.m.
You’re welcome. Due to increased interest we may follow this up with a lecture tour. Hugging dangerous animals has always been a fascination of mine.
I believe an important part of the conversation was left out (don’t roll your eyes Sarah). I explained that I would initially be in a traditional hugging position (cheek to cheek, of course). When the animal began to get antsy and struggle… that is when I would turn my head toward the camera holding the Lion firmly around the neck. In this way I believe we can obtain the perfect Lion smile. I would open my mouth at the same time to smile as the Lion opens HER mouth to bite my face off and in the photo we would appear to be best girlfriends. The hug is for me, the photo is for the world.
I hope this clears some things up,
Andrew
all I can say is that I have no friends that would have a truly glorious conversation like this with……that makes me sad.
also - as someone that appreciates a good photograph that I think a male lion would make a much more effective image!
I think as a choice 4 suicide, Andrew’s feline fantasy would make an exquisite exit ( My personal choice for elective death has always been 2 jump off a high cliff in a remote enuf location so that the vultures would get 2 me b4 my body could be recovered ) … If Andrew wants 2 fulfill his dream of getting personal with a wild cat, however, there are some safe and practical options, namely cats that have been bred 2 simulate their wild cousins. 4 a tiger look-alike there is the toyger. If leopards are more your fancy, there’s the Bengal. Like Ocelots? The occicat looks like it an aweful lot. Cheetah? : meet the Savannah. My personal favorite, which I’ve actually had 2 talk my self out of getting recently, 2 keep my aging Bedlington Terrier company, is the BOMBAY, which is a dead ringer 4 a black panther, as in Bagheera, the pal of the man-cub, Mowgli (my nick-namesake), in Rudyard Kipling’s “Mowgli’s Brothers”/”The Jungle Books.” … post script: sorry, couldnt find a cat that looks like a female lion. I’ll get back 2 u
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